Standing in a line,
With my little brother Daryl,
Mom left us here all by ourselves,
While she shops at Crate and Barrel.

This line's to go see Santa,
That we stand in single file,
I'd a sent my request in the mail,
Had I'd known it stretched a mile.

A couple hours later,
I can see him on his chair,
An elf comes up, says “you'll be next”,
Says I, “Well that sounds fair”.

So I walks up past his reindeer,
Dasher, Prancer, and old Donner,
Then Santa stands and freaks me out,
The mother fucker's got a boner,

Now if his beard was only shorter,
And his hair a little more dark,
I'd swear he's that old creepy guy,
always hangs around the park.

Santa takes me by the hand,
And tries to sit me on his lap,
So I grab a giant candy cane,
And I gives his head a whack,

Now Claus he's layin on the ground,
And the Elf he's havin a tiffy,
I say “I ain't down on Santa's lap,
Cuz this pervert's got a stiffy!

Then the elf gets on his radio,
And gives security a call,
So I grab him by his big Spock ears,
And I kick him in the balls,

All the kids in line start cryin,
Cuz they think ole Santa's dead,
Layin face down on the ground,
With a big knot on his head,

Now the mob they're all upset,
And they're comin in my direction,
So I points at Santa's baggy pants,
And yell, “check out that erection!”

Then I grab my brother Daryl,
yell, “me and bro here gotta bail”,
but when this perverted Claus wakes up,
y'all haul his ass to jail,

But in the meantime mall cops they've arrived,
In fact, we're now surrounded,
So to them I then restate my case,
Of which I'd previously expounded,

The head mall cop steps up to me,
He says “hi, my name is Lester,
Don't worry son I'll take good care,
Of this North Pole Child molester,”

Back from the barrel my Mom arrives,
She says, “what's all this commotion?”
If you kids been bad Santa Claus won't come,
He won't even have a notion.”

I say, “Hey OK, that's fine with me,
I can deal with a little rejection,
Cause all this dude's bag of toys contains,
Is a North Pole homo erection.”