Hotel Kylie-fornia


On Kylie Ireland's birthday, the 26th of May
Birthday cakes are lucky watermelons and M&M-filled pinatas are smashed today
Up ahead on the webcam, I saw Pete and Repeat's beaks (1),
Sadly, I missed Kylie blowing her nose ,
because the webcam was broken for two weeks (2).
Kylie stood in the doorway with her Bullet Mitchell (3) B-ball
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be FACE JAM or this could be THE WALL."
Then Kylie lifted up an M&M, a brown one I should say (4),
There were time traveling witches down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kylie-fornia
a shaved muffin place
Jennifer Love Hewitt's face (5)
Plenty of rubsies (6) at the Hotel Kylie-fornia
anal time of year, you can find Gollum here

Her mind is Nils Lofgren-twisted (7), she got golden shower requests (8)
She got a pair of pretty, pretty toys, that she calls breasts
There's fisting on the webcam, Kylie's BECOMING WET (9)
Some fist to remember, some fist to forget
So I called up Roger Waters,
"Please bring my my Wall."
He said, "We haven't had that album here since Kylie released her action figure doll."
And still Leonard Nimoy is calling from far away,
"I am not Spock, not matter what Kylie might say."

Welcome to the Hotel Kylie-fornia
A shaved muffin place
Jennifer Love Hewitt's face
Johnny Depp's livin' it up at the Hotel Kylie-fornia
My M&M is hard, bring your credit card

Velcro's on the ceiling
Tweek is chasing mice
And Kylie said, "We are all just M&Ms here, on a Sybian device (10)."
And with Marilyn Chambers
Kylie drank from an INSATIABLE glass
After which, Kylie said,
"My chili will kick your ass (11)."
Last thing I remember,
I was assembling a Kylie jigsaw interview
And I was paying the penalty for biting off more than I could chew
"Relax," said Syd Barrett,
"Kylie is the One Who Dreams,
You can check out her My Plaything DVD anytime you like, but you will never be cool beans (12)."


Footnotes

1. In the ill-fated Ireland-Jarvie interview, Kylie-or one of her US government-sponsored experimental sex robots, alluded to the fact the Verisimilitude Police are always hassling Pete and Repeat, which, by the way, apparently, is some kind of mythical two-headed rubber bird.

2. In a recent AVN ONLINE interview, the ineffable Colorado Boulder Queen complained of faulty webcams. Specifically, she related an amusing anecdote about how faulty webcams deprive her fans of priceless nose blowing footage.

3. Bullet Mitchell is a fictional character from the magnum opus roman a clef known as FACE JAM. Apparently, Bullet Mitchell was based on an actual legendary NBA superstar: Meadowlark Lemon.

4. A very suble anal sex allusion. Apparently, the brown M&Ms contain a rare chemical known as monorectumglutiousamore 23, which makes humans crave Village People LPs and anal sex.

5. Apparently, while watching the Fantasex segment of the AFFAIR WITH KYLIE IRELAND DVD for the 1 millionth time, the satitical writer known as Jeff Jarvie had an epiphany: the Kylie sex robot featured in the Fantasex section was mistakenly given Jennifer Love Hewitt's face.

6. In the film BAD WIVES 2, Kylie's character engages in a dreaded game of blueball-causing torture called Rubsies, where groping and voyeurism is permitted, but all access to the holy muffin is strictly verboten.

7. Nils Lofgren is an enigmatic, headband-wearing musician who likes to stumble out on stage in the middle of Neil Young acoustic sets with an accordian strapped to his chest. Strangely, in the ill-fated Ireland-Jarvie interview, Kylie alluded to the fact that Nils is fist-worthy.

8. In her recent AVN ONLINE interview, Kylie mentions that fact that some of her fans (most of whom aren't even certified urologists) are very curious about her bathroom habits. Strangely, the satirical writer known as Jeff Jarvie is obsessed with Kylie's reading habits. Specifically, he wonders if she ever quotes choice passages from Finnegans Wake, while frantically flicking her tender Irish bean.

9. BECOMING WET is a Kylie Ireland film that, unfortunately, does not deal with vaginal squirting and G-spot orgasms. Basically, it's the poignant story of a Jonathan Morgan acting robot having a WESTWORLD-like meltdown and deciding that he is now Woody Allan.

10. A highly esoteric Kylie Ireland catchphrase that never really caught on. Currently, she owns at least 23 crates of unsold "We are all just M&Ms here, on a sybian device" t-shirts. When,and if, the satirical writer known as Jeff Javrvie ever obtains a credit card, he has promised to buy all 23 crates.

11. A very popular Kylie Ireland catchphrase. According to the satirical writer known as Jeff Jarvie, Kylie should immediately release a white t-shirt with the catchphrase "My chili will kick your ass" enblazoned across the front in blood red letters. In response, Kylie is rumored to have paraphrased the diminuative actor-poet Gary Coleman: "Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Jeffrey?"

12. Cool beans is a very popular Kylie Ireland catchphrase, which can be employed much like Jimmie Walker's exclamatory maxim "Dy-no-mite!" According to the satirical writer known as Jeff Jarvie, this wacky catchphrase somehow refers to Kylie's asskicking chili.