"6 o'clock, Monday night at the bridge game
I'll finally talk to a girl a little older than me
Her name is Peggy, she's a grandma with a bus pass
She wears a girdle, but I'm not quite sure what that means
And when she walks, oh she taps the floor with her walking stick
'Cause she's such a wrinkly chick

And she's watching Countdown, eating up her mince pies
Playing Frank Sinatra, bi-focals on her eyes
It's like a bad movie, she's looking through me
If you were me then you'd be, screaming someone shoot me
As I failed miserably, trying to get the gran all the old guys want
Yes, she's the gran all the old guys want

She likes the opera songs but I like Buddy Holly
She says the care home where she's living really isn't that bad
She says she'd like to score a young guy in his forties
She'll never know that I'm the best lad she'll never have
And when she walks, oh she taps the floor with her walking stick
Cos she's such a wrinkly chick

And she's watching Countdown, eating up her mince pies
Playing Frank Sinatra, bi-focals on her eyes
She likes æem with a bus pass, saggy ass, denture fan
Riding in a wheelchair. Does arthritis make a man?
It's like a bad movie, she's looking through me
If you were me then you'd be, screaming someone shoot me
As I failed miserably, trying to get the gran all the old guys want
'Cos she's the gran all the old guys want [x3]

There she goes again with slippers on and curlers in her hair
She broke my heart, I ain't no booty-shaker
Now I'm gonna need a new pacemaker
Now I'm watchin Countdown, tryin' to eat some mince pies
Playin' Frank Sinatra, bi-focals on my eyes
But I don't have a bus pass, and I aint got no saggy ass
All I got's a bald head (bald head [x2])
It's like a bad movie, she's looking through me
If you were me then you'd be, screaming someone shoot me
As I failed miserably, trying to get the gran all the old guys want
'Cause she's the gran all the old guys want [x8]"