When I wake up, and I see you next to me I try to tip toe
from the house before you see.
My vision came back, and if my friends would ever find out
I'd have to change my name and exit the country.

Now that I can see you, I'm wondering was your birth certificate
an apology from the condom factory.
My bed is wrecked now, I need a brand new fucking mattress
and my legs are paralyzed up to my knee.

cuz

I BRING HOME GIGANTIC WOMEN FROM THE BAR
WHEN I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO SCORE.
EVEN THOUGH THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SHOULD BE ON
A SPENCER'S CHRISTMAS CARD
I STILL MAKE THEIR ASSCHEEKS SORE.

When we get home, I call and order up six pizzas
and let her raid the fridge till they arrive.
So many times now, I've let them sit down on my face
and often wonder how the fuck I'm still alive.

And her panties, were the same size as my bedspread
the cushion for the pushin's gonna be huge.
I'm about to bust one, but I don't know which chin to choose
I think the 4th or 5th one's gonna take the splooge.

cuz

I BRING HOME HUMONGOUS WOMEN FROM THE BAR
WHEN I CAN'T GET A NORMAL SIZED WHORE.
WHEN I DROP HER OFF THE NEXT DAY I NEED NEW
SHOCKS FOR MY CAR
AND A TRIP TO THE GROCERY STORE.

I bent one over, but my leg got stuck in her asscrack
and I swore that it was wedged in there for life.
Then someone brought me, a can of WD-40 and a crowbar
and we popped it out that night.

But the story leaked, and now my whole home fucking town knows
I get made fun of constantly all day.
But now I'm blacked out, not giving a fuck what you think
Completely cross-eyed but focusing okay.
So send those cankles and that sweaty ass my way!