A lonely mother stares in the bathroom window
At her teenage son that she just can't touch.
Now he's getting pimples, hairy legs, and some shoulders wide,
But his body doesn't turn her on quite so much.

And all the shavin' just ain't helpin' at all,
Cause every day he's got a new coat of stubble.
So she's gonna make his body smooth the best way she knows how,
Rubs him down with Nair before she goes for a cuddle. (listen to me…)

[chorus]
Don't go shavin' boyfriends' balls.
Please stick to the armpits and the legs that you're used to.
I know that you wanna date a man who has no hair at all,
Even in the crack of his ass.

Psycho girlfriend has unnatural obsessions
With epilation that he just can't see.
She slips him hormones that his body reacts to
And all she can say is "baby, get smooth for me."

One day he goes and takes a glimpse in his boxers
And he doesn't recognize his own sack.
His pubes have fallen out; he doesn't know why.
HRT's given him a hairless booty crack! (y'all don't hear me)

[chorus]
Don't go shavin' boyfriends' balls.
Please stick to the armpits and the legs that you're used to.
I know that you wanna date a man who has no hair at all,
Even in the crack of his ass. (come on)

[rap]
I seen a porno; it was gay.
And so many shaven bums
Leaving a trace of not one hair in the way.
Is it because I like ten year olds to play?
I pray the bush stays away.
Hope they never get to puber-tay.

And what I said to my Boo,
“That hair be nasty on you.
You know what you gotta do.”
He's gone an hour or two,
Ice packs and there's been tears in his eyes;
His body's waxed – look, surprise,
No more hairy thighs!

I think it's freakin' dope I got a man I can grope
With such baby smooth cheeks that it turns me to a sex freak.
Sneak a peek at his unique biceps and obliques.
What a shame there once was hair upon this hot physique.

You claim I'm insane, messed up in the mind,
But you can kiss my hind;
I like Sicilians with Brazilians and no tan lines!
Creams and tweezers, epilations,
In hopes of bein' smooth.
Look after yourself,
The world will want to sleep with you.

[chorus]
Don't go shavin' boyfriends' balls.
Please stick to the armpits and the legs that you're used to.
I know that you wanna date a man who has no hair at all,
Even in the crack of his ass.

Don't go shavin' boyfriends' balls.
Please stick to the armpits and the legs that you're used to.
I know that you wanna date a man who has no hair at all,
Even in the crack of his ass.